The Conjuring 3: Too Vulgar a Display of Power

    Full disclosure: I haven't seen The Conjuring since sometime around 2015, and I haven't re-watched The Conjuring 2 since it first came out in theaters. I've also only done cursory research into the case The Conjuring 3 is purportedly based on, so what follows relies almost solely on my admittedly spotty memory and Wikipedia tinged conjecture.

    The tent pole Conjuring films--that is, The Conjuring, The Conjuring 2, and now, The Conjuring 3: The Devil Made Me Do It--each open with Ed and Lorraine Warren investigating a supernatural occurrence of some description. If memory serves, The Conjuring begins with the duo removing the Annabel doll from a young couple's home; The Conjuring 2 with Ed and Lorraine poking around Amityville. Both of these scenes serve to 1). (re)introduce the Warrens to the audience and 2). establish the thematic concerns of the installment. Neither of these scenes is integral to the movie's A plot. (I think Valak or whatever the demon nun's name is might show up in the intro for The Conjuring 2, but not as the central antagonist.) TL;DR: They open like Indiana Jones movies.

    The Conjuring 3 deviates from this pattern, opening instead with the exorcism of young David Glatzel. A short five minutes after the title crawl has left the screen, David is writhing around on the kitchen table shrieking every kind of blasphemy you can get away with in a wide release popcorn horror movie. The Warrens and their priestly companion are unable to exorcise the demon, leading Arne Cheyenne Johnson to offer up his soul to the inhuman spirit in return for David's deliverance. It's over the top in the blandest possible way. And this is the inciting incident for the film's A plot. Arne comes under the creature's thrall, murders his landlord, and soon finds himself on trial for a crime he claims to have no recollection of committing.

    Here's how it should've opened: Ed and Lorraine are called to investigate the haunting of a house somewhere in rural America--the specifics don't really matter. The point is, this haunting turns out to be a hoax and the Warrens leave dejected. On the drive home, the pair have a conversation about hoaxes and how getting involved in cases like the one they just left damages their credibility as demonologists and further imperil those who are actually being menaced from beyond the veil. Then they get a call from Arne's lawyer. He's just killed someone and is claiming that, you guessed it, "the Devil made me do it."

    Opening the movie this way would've turned it into an occult court procedural, the Warrens desperately trying to prove their client's innocence before he's sent to the gas chamber. Granted this isn't actually how this particular case unfolded, but considering the liberties taken by the script they actually shot I think my embellishments are fairly tame by comparison.

    What we got instead was a by-the-numbers Satanist movie with a villain who could've been cool if she had a motivation beyond "creating chaos," a cast full of talented actors who are very clearly phoning it in, and scares you can see coming two miles out. If the franchise is going to continue, I hope they do away with any pretensions of being "serious." If you aren't going to be The Exorcist III, be The Evil Dead 2. Fuck it.

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